I got several responses from yesterday’s post that spoke to how many of us who grew up poor and worked our way out of poverty, now feel we have overindulged our children. I know that is true for me. Bruce and I absolutely gave our kids more than we should have for no other reason than because we could. It has been a real shift for us to beginto say no, especially if saying yes is possible. We are doing it now, both to protect our own financial future and to insure that our children figure out how to meet their own needs. The challenge for me in particular is to do this without feeling as though I am depriving my kids.
I can best illustrate this with a couple of kid stories. My Phoebe has her first loose tooth. When I asked her what she thought the tooth fairy might bring her she replied, “A kazoo!” When I asked her why she thought that she said because a fairy would know what she wanted and she wanted a kazoo. Let me assure you that I immediately bought a $2.00 kazoo and put it away so she would have one under her pillow. It was a small request and easily met. Karen asked for an Ipod. Everybody has and Ipod and without one, her life would not be complete. She did get an Ipod. She had to earn the money herself but as it mattered to her, she was willing to put in the energy to make and sell enough granola for the purchase. I must say, she loves the Ipod and, while I would never get her one, I do think it was a good spend for her. She also wanted a lap top. Same deal. If she wanted one, she had to figure out how to pay for one. After doing the math, she decided that my old lap top would meet her needs quite nicely, thank you and has not brought it up again.
There are any number of ways to help our kids become more self sufficient and feel more capable, responsible, valuable and lovable and most have little to do with buying stuff. I believe that, as parents, raising kids with a positive self image is our ultimate goal. Somewhere along the way that got tied up with praising them for every small deed, making sure they never failed at anything and pretty much giving them the impression that they were the most important little creatures to ever draw breath. We were so concerned with giving them a happy childhood that we have lost all of our common sense. Here is one of my pet peeves. We are bombarded with information about the national disgrace of obesity in children. So why is it that we insist on providing a “snack” for every event. When was the last time you took your kid to anything where a snack was not provided? Even church school usually has a juice and cookie break and the kids are there for about 45 minutes. We provide 2 snacks, breakfast and lunch at our school. That’s crazy! Do we really believe our kids can’t go from 8:30 until 11:45 without something to eat? Maybe if they did not get the mid morning snack, usually something sweet and high in fat, they would not be so incline to toss out their lunches. Kids can tolerate being hungry. They can tolerate waiting. They can learn to eat what is put in front of them. They won’t however, if they are fed every time they turn around.
I have always said that preparedness was 90 % mental and I believe that is true for kids as well as adults. If kids feel capable, they will be far less likely to panic in a crisis. In this culture of instant gratification, it may be necessary for you to create ways to insure your kids develop that “can do” attitude.
Teach them real skills. It may be easier to do it yourself but teaching your kids to prepare meals, repair a broken tool, change a tire or knit a scarf will pay big dividends down the road.
Make charity a part of life. Working at a food pantry or shelter, donating to good cause, assisting an elderly neighbor or joining a community work bee give kids an opportunity to see the world beyond them.
Let them solve problems. You don’t need to intervene in every instance. I would not let my kid be bullied but I don’t interfere in every squabble. Sometimes the best discipline is letting them live with consequences of their actions. If they forget their homework, they will miss recess. If they don’t get their laundry done, they will be wearing dirty clothes.
Not all work is paid. I will pay my kids to do a major chore that I really want done but they do not get paid for being part of the family. Dishes, laundry, sweeping and weeding are part of family life.
Let kids be bored. It is not my job to keep my kids entertained. There is a lot to do around here. If you chose not to take advantage of what’s here, do not expect me to drive you to the mall.
Teach them early that fun is free. Everything does not have to be an “activity”. I set my grandson up yesterday with a bucket of water and some spoons and cups. He played happily for an hour.
Let them fail. If you never experience failure you can never fully appreciate success. This whole notion of “you are all winners” is a sweet but misguided notion. Being a winner defines everything as a competition. I make sure my kids see me try and fail and try again without getting down on myself.
Life may well be different for our kids. If gas goes up to $5.00 a gallon they will walk more. If small business are having trouble keeping their doors open they will less able to sponsor sports team. Fewer leagues may open the door to more neighborhood pick-up teams. More expensive food may mean kids will have to develop some after school time to the growing, preserving and preparation of food. Less money may mean less emphasis on status clothing. Maybe our kids will be happier and healthier as a result. Like I said yesterday, different is not always worse.
July 23, 2009 at 3:28 pm
“Depriving” kids of things is more challenging than it ought to be because of consumer advertising. I’m not a parent yet so I can’t comment based on direct parenting experience, but I am a marketing professional (*ducking from rotten tomatoes*). I would think it’s natural for a parent to feel they are depriving their kids when following these principles, but consumer advertising agencies are well aware of your likes, dislikes, motivations, even the processes you use to decide on what to buy. They take that natural feeling, that you are depriving your kids of something, and pour it on to make that feeling stronger and turn it into guilt, using subtle tricks of the trade like magazine & celebrity endorsements & placements, in-store location & smells & music, self-sponsored “research”, and your own kids – who are less aware and more susceptible to the advertising than adults as well as more influential on you as their parent. It would be wise for any parent to learn about some of these tactics, if only to make more informed decisions let alone to feel more confident in “depriving” your kids of something. And, for what it’s worth, I’m not an adman, I’m a small business planner, LoL :p
Anyways, these are great stories! And they reminded me of one of my own: When my baby sister was 10 years old, she would accumulate $5.00 worth of $0.01 through $0.05 candies in batches, go to our garden shed and set up shop to sell to the other neighborhood kids at a price that was at least DOUBLE what they sold for at the store. She knew that it was easier for these kids to come to her than to go much farther, by themselves or to wait for a parent, to get them at the store! LOL I don’t know how she came up with the idea. But I remember thinking to myself as I took her to the store that I had a paper-route when I was her age, not a “convenience store”!
It is so important for everyone to learn the value of money, interest (both earned and expensed, such as on credit cards), and work! The earlier the better! But it’s never too late to learn! Most people, for example, are content paying the minimum balance on credit card debts, which their kids then learn as well. This is INSANITY! The minimum payments are designed to take as long as possible to pay off in order to cost you WAY more in interest expenses! That is how they make their billions. So, learn what you’re dealing with and take control, for yourself and your kids. One such strategy is the “snowball effect”, where you figure out which debt costs you the most (it might not be the highest balance either, figure out the interest expense over time for all of them to see), pay the minimums on all the others and pool as much as you can into that ONE highest costing debt to pay it down quickly. When it’s gone, you take the pool of money plus the monthly expense of the debt you just cleared, and apply it all to the NEXT most expensive. It snowballs from there, hence the name, and you pay off all your debt WAY faster and at less expense.
Sorry for the long post Kathy, I didn’t intend to hijack your blog, I just didn’t want to leave people hanging regarding my statements on consumer advertising and learning the value of money and interest. The post inspired a lot in me, and I wanted to pass on what knowledge I could.
July 23, 2009 at 6:41 pm
I don’t actually think of it as my blog. I think of it as our blog, meaning everybody who cares enough to read and respond so hi-jack away. I appreciate the input.
July 23, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I found Jonesy’s comments extremely interesting, but I’ll withhold throwing the tomatoes for the moment…I’m waiting for summer to get here, hoping they ripen : )
Of all the guilt I experience from parenting, *not* buying toys isn’t one of them. And I think it’s because I get so irritated at indulgent parents who spoil their kids with trendy, shiny, name-brand goodies for no reason other than *they can.* They buy this junk that serves no purpose other than to be a temporary distraction…then it ends up in the garbage a week later because all the cheap little plastic parts that were imported from China have broken and you can’t get replacement parts!!!!
My kids both went through a stage where they thought they *needed* everything they saw advertised on TV. God love him, Isaac even knew the taglines for the various products. When he asked for something, we’d just remind him that those slick advertising executives were trying to get his money…all the coins he’d saved, found, mooched and tucked away into his John Deere bank. He would change his mind very quickly at that point (because he’s saving for a remote control helicopter.) “They can’t have my coins!”
You’ll get no money from me Mr.Marketing Professional!!! ; )
July 23, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I read a great book, Consuming Kids, that really opened my eyes to just how insidious the advertising game is. Not letting Phoebe watch commercial televison helps a lot as does not taking her with me to the store if I can avoid it. I can’t remember the last time she asked for a specific thing other than the kazoo which is why it felt good to get it for her.
July 24, 2009 at 11:57 am
Loved your comments Jonesey and Kathy!
When i was a kid (and wanted money for something special) every Christmas i would “hire” my brother to climb into trees and harvest Mistle-toe for me. I would bag it all up, in individual bags ( 2 different quantity sizes) And i would sell it all and he would get 40% for his work.
My daughter has to do some things around the house (for which she is not paid) and there are special things that she helps me with to get extra money.
Oh and YES! The snow-ball effect is working wonders on my credit cards. Thanks!
cheers!
Gina Browning
author/illustrator
http://www.eloquentbooks.com/MoonbeamDreams.html
July 24, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I’m sitting at my computer and wanting to shout “preach, it sister!!” It’s as if you crawled right into my head and read my own thoughts. I could comment on every single thing, but it would be redundant. Suffice it to say, you are not alone and you are doing your children a tremendous favor. People have become very high-maintenance, including the kids. Now we have a nation of high-maintenance people that demand being cared for – thus the demand for a health care system that goes beyond catastrophic care and covers every conceivable scenario.
I am a firm believer in regulating the TV. It is a huge source for stirring up discontentment for adults and kids. Most of us would have no clue we “needed” something if it wasn’t waved in front of our faces again and again on the TV. Thankfully, we live so far out and their are so few other kids to play with, my own are fairly easily satisfied. They are learning skills and think twice before spending their money. I laugh because my youngest has had a $50 bill since April. She has asked for a couple of items and I said, “Sure. You’ve got your $50. If you want it, you may spend your money on it.”. It quickly died right there.
July 24, 2009 at 2:57 pm
We don’t have broadcast television, but the kids do go shopping with us to the big box stores. We have begun to explain to show them how the same bicycle/shirt/etc costs twice the money if it has a character on it. Kind of hard when they don’t understand the concept of money yet, but we’re planting seeds that will hopefully grow later on. I think it’s easier to teach this lesson when they haven’t already been brainwashed with all the ads. I’m taken aback with how the television producers have managed to make the shows themselves into an ad.
The kids get just as much entertainment from movies and shows that we borrow for free from the library. They are allowed to borrow anything G rated, so they also do get commercialized shows, but at least it isn’t piped into their brains 24/7. I call it “the best of both worlds.”
Incidentally, we watched an animated movie “Robots” recently that has a good backstory about how marketing and powerful companies are marginalizing the poor.
I read a book called “Buyology,” about marketing that will really open your eyes to some scary tactics.